Who was there FOR you as an infant?
Who held you when you were scared or crying?
As I was reading in my book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child this morning by John Bradshaw, that sentence jumped off the screen at me! Who was there FOR you as an infant?Who held you when you were scared or crying? I thought back and didn’t remember anyone being there to hold me when I was scared or crying. I did remember, however, when I was upset and crying as a very little girl my mom would tell me sternly that I was only crying to get attention and to stop. I didn’t know the words back then but it felt very shaming. Like there was something wrong with me for even being upset so to survive I learned to shut down. As I got older that shut down feeling became making a joke to protect myself. Can you relate?
“The more ashamed a child is, the more she feels she has no right to DEPEND on anyone. Because the wounded child never got her needs met and was shamed the most when she was the most needy, she may feel that she is bothering people if she asked them to listen to her.“
Whew, BINGO! That was it exactly! That’s how I felt. Can you relate?
I started thinking about my Happy Mother’s Day post to my Mom the other day and wondering if my Mom ever had anyone there for her when she was scared or crying as a little girl. I know my grandma, her mom, even though she passed before I was born, sounded like she was a pretty tough lady, kind of hard as nails! Not very warm and fuzzy at all!!
Then I remembered that I had recently realized that my Mom had been, as Iyanla Vanzant on the OWN channel, calls a “daddyless daughter.” Her dad was an alcoholic and her mom left and lived as a single mom raising 7 kids by herself in the 1920’s and 1930’s. Oh my goodness! I’m not sure how old my mom was when they split up but I can only imagine how tough it must have been for her. It was very tough in the 1980’s when I was a single mom with only two kids!! I don’t even know if my mom ever saw her dad as she was growing up or not. I knew all of this at some level but I never stopped to think about how that may have affected and impacted her ability to be a mother to me until now.
I went to a youtube video by Iyanla and watched her talking about daddyless daughters. She described that when a woman doesn’t have a daddy, either when they are there but not emotionally there, they are gone entirely or they were there but left because of divorce etc it creates a hole and a yearning that nothing ever seems to fill. They feel UNwanted, UNloved, UNloveable, UNacceptable, UNimportant, UNattractive and UNworthy. It’s all starting to make so much more sense now… that this is the women that I was so desperate to depend on and get my needs met from. I can imagine that when she felt me being needy it triggered her own neediness and it must have been so very painful for her. No wonder she treated me the way she did. No wonder “I” felt like there was no one there for “me” when I was scared or crying because she felt like there was no one there for “her.”
I so appreciate the past 7 years of using EFT for myself (often with the help of others) so I can put together these puzzle pieces of my life now. Before EFT I was so caught in the painful feelings and the wounds of that little child inside of me that I couldn’t see or feel anything else. It was all about me. There was no way I could have ever felt safe enough to see it in a way that I no longer felt like a victim and to be able to see it from my mom’s perspective.
I’d love for you to share what popped up for you while reading my story below.
We so often think that we are so screwed up and everyone else has their shit together but I’m here to tell you that we are all in this together. We have much more in common when we talk about our wounded inner child than we can imagine.
Until next time… hugs!